THUNAI"There's an important difference between giving up and letting go." ~ Jessica Hatchigan
We love this quote because it recognizes a subtle difference that can change an experience for us. Especially as a caregiver.
When a loved one is struggling with mental health issues and repeating the same patterns of behaviour that do not serve them well, we may get frustrated. We may say “I just give up. There is nothing for me to do”.
Or we may say “I am going to make sure he/she doesn’t do this. I will keep a close watch. I will immediately confront them when they are not coping well”.
Both these are problematic approaches. As a caregiver or as a supporter, both these approaches will not help us or our loved ones.
The first approach will bring us some regret and possibly guilt if something goes wrong. It is also un-fulfilling as a caregiver or a supporter.
The second “controlling” approach also brings us frustration. We emotionally swing with the loved one’s moods and actions. The more we try to control the situation the more anger builds in us and in our loved one. This enmeshment is Co-Dependency.
Because our normal life is threatened and changed by our loved one’s mental health, it is typical for us to regain it by trying to control them/situation. Who doesn’t want the world to know “our life is okay and we are in control”.
There is a third, healthier way.
This approach is one of “Letting Go”. It is not letting go of our loved one or our desire to help. But letting go of our need to control their behaviour or a situation or an outcome.
For instance, we might say “I would like you to be regular with therapy. I can accompany you to the appointment”. This replaces “if you don’t go to therapy, I will have nothing to do with you” or “if you love me, you have to go to therapy”. The last two are controlling statements.
This approach indicates to the loved one that you are empowering them, asking them to do the best thing for them.
Of course, this is a tricky balance. We need to be honest with ourselves. Are we really ready and able to let go?
If we are able to, then we will reach a place where there is some relative peace. We will be sad when our loved one is not coping well. But there will be less anger. There will be space for us to be calm amidst the storm.
We can learn to gently put in place some boundaries to protect ourselves from our loved one’s actions. “If you are sounding drunk, please understand I will protect myself to go to my room”. “If you don’t take your medication regularly, I would prefer to go to my friends place to spend the afternoon”.
It would also give you a new vocabulary to converse with your loved one. “Son, it is your decision to stay late and not have your meds. You know that it makes you vulnerable to a break down and makes me very anxious”.
It is this empowerment and kind engagement that brings about lasting change. Please see our review of Xavier Amador’s book “I am not sick – I don’t need help”.