THUNAIBoundary setting is an important, although difficult, part of self-care when a loved one is living with a mental illness.
By setting boundaries, you are taking responsibility for how others treat you and your own needs seriously. This is a life skill that could be useful in other situations such as family life and work.
It’s okay to expect basic rules of conduct and cooperation even when a person is not well. We all require these to get along.
Often you may feel guilty in setting boundaries and limits on your loved one’s conduct. Am I selfish? Isn't she/he too ill to do this? Should I not love unconditionally? These are legitimate questions. However, without boundaries you are likely to be exhausted and become more resentful and angry in due course.
Relationship dynamics:
Are you being taken advantage of?
Do you feel overextended, or your needs are on the back burner? It is important to learn to say ‘no’ to unreasonable or unmanageable demands.
Are you inadvertently enabling?
For example, parents of a 26 year old son with a mental illness felt obliged to provide care, or fear hurting their son, even though the son is capable of caring for himself. Sometimes it might even be easier to “give-in” to avoid the conflict. However, setting boundaries compels the person to take responsibility for their actions and teaches independence.
Are you unwittingly accepting being abused mentally, verbally, financially and physically?
Even though you love the person, this behaviour, related to mental illness or not, is never acceptable under any circumstance. Never compromise your own or others’ safety for fear of hurting your loved one’s feelings. Make sure you are safe first.
Deciding your limits:
Establishing boundaries is a process. Take your time and look for small ways to begin. Where to set your limits to is a personal decision.
Level of support:
Decide what level of support and care you and others involved are realistically able to provide, including limits to protect yourself (or the family) from unacceptable behaviour.
Family conversation:
These conversations may be about current, emerging or foreseeable issues. For instance, if your family member may drink alcohol or use drugs while socializing, establish that borrowing the car is never an option under these circumstances. Or, staying up late may be tolerated, but alcohol use is not. “I will not stay up to serve you food when you come home at 1 am and drunk. I want to sleep and take care of our baby in the morning”.
Conversation with your loved one:
Boundaries may need to be set without the input of your loved one if they are uncooperative. They can be redefined over time. Be gentle but firm. If you are angry, wait for the anger to pass before you communicate a boundary - “I am upset that you spent all the money I saved for your laptop and refuse to see the therapist. I will not put money into your account till you agree to see a therapist and be regular on your medications”.
Boundary rules and expectations:
Some rules and expectations you, your loved one and family members may want to discuss and decide upon include:
Your loved one’s ability to live in your home by agreed rules and consequences
What household chores you expect your family member to do
Personal hygiene requirements
Disruptive behaviours such as refusing to follow house rules, playing music too loudly, neglecting to show up for family meals, being argumentative
Physical aggression or violent shouting
Use of tobacco, alcohol and/or street drugs in your home
Gambling
Attending medical appointments
Taking prescribed medications
You will make mistakes in this process. Be gentle on yourself. You are making the best effort you can. The fact that you are reading this article tells us you care about your loved one.