THUNAIAs a caregiver, you have to know when and how to ask for help.
My parents taught me, says Latha, “To give is better than to receive. Don’t ask for handouts. Pull your own weight.” All great advice to live a self-sufficient existence. Sometimes, however, even the strongest individuals need to ask for caregiving help.
Asking others for their assistance is hard. As we age and our physical abilities change, many of us adamantly refuse to admit we need a hand. When well intentioned folks offer to help, we feel embarrassed and decline their generosity. We may all have to learn the Buddhist mantra “Giving is the same as Receiving”. One cant exist without the other and one is not superior to the other.
In the book, Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need, author M. Nora Klaver says there are several reasons why people wait until they are desperate to seek assistance. People are uncomfortable and afraid to ask. Also, we value our independence and no one may have taught us how to ask for help.
She says that we don’t recognize we have a need until we are in a crisis. Often, we are unclear about exactly what we need, or we ask the wrong person to help fulfill our request.
Klaver’s book lays out a seven-step “Mayday!” process. The first step is “name the need.” That means: Be specific about your needs and be open to possibilities. This may sound simple, but it will take some analysis of your situation.
Acknowledge You Need Caregiving Help
For many years, Latha managed the house duties and cared for her teenage son Ram with bipolar disorder. Sundar, her husband, was a busy executive and used to travel a lot. She was left to manage many episodes of her son by herself.
Her therapist suggested she talk to her husband and her sister-in-law about them chipping in some help. To her surprise, both of them agreed to make sure they would be around to help when Ram’s episode hit. Though she was still the primary caregiver, she felt relieved that others were willing to help her take care of Ram.
Living a stoic life wasn’t the answer. Together, Latha and Sundar learned it’s OK to ask for and accept a helping hand.
How To Ask for Help:
Here are eight ways to do it:
1. Define your needs: If you or someone you love needs to ask for help, begin the process by making a list. Write down the precise concerns such as transportation, food preparation, household chores, running errands, yard work and pet care. What can be delegated to a service? Determine which tasks can be removed by hiring someone — perhaps a housekeeping or lawn service. Which needs could be met with volunteers?
2. Brainstorm possible solutions with friends and family: Can a meal or two each week be supplemented by them? Think outside the box. If you need a ramp built and don’t have the ability to hire and manage a contractor, ask your engineer friend for guidance.
3. Build your support network: Make a list of everyone you know who might be interested in volunteering their time to assist you. Talk to friends, neighbors and family members. Talk to your therapist about service organisations you can tap.
4. Be specific: People are sincere in their desire to help, but you have to be explicit about your needs. “Can you help me cook a meal once a week?” is a specific request. Coordinating the helpers is your responsibility. People are not mind readers.
5. Manage the assistance: I now have a group of more than a dozen “Helper Friends.” I send my request to several people so no one person becomes overburdened. Some of my helpers stop by to assist and are gone in less than 20 minutes. Others enjoy helping and staying to chat. Don't take offense if someone can't step up. The Universe will send someone else!
6. Say thanks: Express your gratitude. Invite all your volunteer friends over for a “thank you” lunch (order take-out) or mail personal notes to acknowledge the people who make your life easier. They'll really appreciate it.