THUNAII suffer from trauma and I know it. I have been suffering for years now. But this is a step forward for me, as I am aware there is something wrong. Now that I am aware, what am I going to do about it? I need to see a therapist but I do not want to reach out for help. Asking for help seems to me a great sign of weakness, a lack of resilience on my part, an inability to cope on my own. I find this shameful.
I do not wish to speak to a therapist for I am afraid. I am afraid to speak of my private life, of being open to hurt, of being in pain. And therefore, I live with my pain. I live in fear, in solitude, in numbness and I know it is wrong. But once again, I am blocked by my own mind. My mind refuses to let me reach out for help for it has been programmed to be strong, to be proud, to be alone.
It takes a great deal of strength to break this cycle, to tell myself a therapist will be a helping hand on my way to recovery. I pick up the phone and I hang up when it rings. I take appointments online and cancel the day before. I think I will start tomorrow. When tomorrow comes, I am still in pain and still afraid.
It is thanks to a family member that I am finally aware that trauma is just not going to go away. It is not something that is fictitious, a fabrication of my weak mind, proof of my failure as a human being. I am flawed but I am not fake. I am a decent person with a chance to overcome what trauma has done to my mind and my body.
I need to seize this chance and I should begin by picking up that phone, booking that appointment and not cancel. But once again, the demons are at the door. They manage to force their way in, and once again, despite my good will, I am down, lost and feeling low.
There are days that are better than some but there are days when I wish I were simply not alive. I see no point in life for it is full of suffering and I do not know when it will stop. I want to break this cycle of suffering but don’t have the resources to do it.
There must be some light, some peace and some quiet. I am a quiet person by nature but am even more quiet when I need to talk to a therapist. It seems unnatural to talk to a stranger but what if this stranger were to be a friend? I wouldn’t know as I have yet to make that call.
Note: The courageous survivor came forward to share why going to a therapist was so difficult. Trusting someone with their personal stories is difficult for survivors. But it is an important step in the recovery, especially dealing with feelings of fear, anger and shame. she took the first step.