THUNAIBeing a Thunai - Helping a friend through Trauma
“Will I ever recover and feel okay?” she asked.
Her counsellor gave her a subtle smile and said, “You feel pained by your experience. You survived the experience itself, you are strong.”
When someone close to you suffers with a traumatic experience such as sexual abuse as a child or sexual violence as an adult, it is overwhelming. Recovering from a traumatic experience at any point in life takes time, and the process of healing can be long. These steps can help you help your loved one, friend, partner or colleague.
PTSD is not easy to live with. It makes life difficult for the person and all of his/her relationships. As a friend / loved one / relative of the person, you may feel like you are walking on thin ice endangering the mood swings and outbursts of the person. The symptoms of PTSD can even lead to job loss, substance abuse, and other problems that affect the whole family.
With the right support from you and other family and friends, though, your loved one’s nervous system can become “unstuck” from chronic stress. With these tips, you can help them to finally move on from the traumatic event and enable your life together to return to normal.
1. Provide unconditional support:
They may feel ashamed, not want to burden others, or believe that other people won’t understand what they’re going through. While it’s important to respect your loved one’s boundaries, your comfort and support can help them overcome feelings of helplessness, grief, and despair.
In fact, trauma experts believe that one-on-one support from a loved / close one is the single most important factor in PTSD recovery. This could just mean spending time together and doing normal things like walking, jogging, cooking, etc.
It takes enormous courage for a survivor to share. At this time support and understanding are crucial. Try and provide a safe/non-judgmental environment, emotional comfort, and support for the survivor to express themselves.
2. Let them know that they can talk with you:
Listen. Don’t rush to provide solutions. While you shouldn’t push a person with PTSD to talk, if they do choose to share, try to listen without expectations or judgments.
A person with PTSD may need to talk about the traumatic event over and over again. This is part of the healing process, allow them and just listen. Some of thie things might be dificult to listen to, respect their feelings and reactions.
3. Believe and reassure the person:
The most common reason people choose not to tell anyone about sexual abuse is the fear that no one would believe them. If someone tells you, it is only because they trust you and need someone to talk to. Be there for them.
Sexual assault is NEVER the survivor’s fault. No one asks to be sexually assaulted by what they wear, say or do. Let the survivor know that only the offender is to blame;
The survivor needs to hear that fears, anxieties, guilt, and anger are normal, understandable and acceptable emotions;
Remember, no one ever deserves to be abused or harassed.
4. Don’t press for details:
Be patient, let your friend decide how much they want to share. Survivors have to struggle with complex decisions and feelings of helplessness, asking too many questions may make them feel vulnerable and scared.
Identify the possible options and talk to the person about it. Help by supporting their decision-making process. The survivor can’t just “forget it” and move on. The process of Recovery takes time.
5. Establish Safety:
An important part of helping the survivor is to identify ways in which the survivor can re-establish their sense of physical and emotional safety. You are a step in the process. Ask your friend what would make them feel safe and how you can help them accomplish this.
If the stalking or harassment is ongoing, help your friend to develop a plan of what to do if they are in immediate danger. Having a specific plan and preparing in advance can be important if the violence escalates.
6. Support treatment:
Again, do not push it when the experience is raw. Instead, take a good judgement call on the next step. Remember, the survivor may not be in a condition to make the right choices.
7. Get support for yourself and family:
When an individual goes through trauma, the whole family is affected. Especially the immediate care giver(s) of the survivor. Handling the situation could make the person emotionally drained. It is therefore important for the affected caregiver to seek counselling, that would help them with emotional stability and a catharsis.
Our compassionate presence and patience will provide support for the person's recovery.